☠ BOSSES MY NEW BESTIES ☠ Boss Miniboss Unique NPC Thrallification
☠ BOSSES MY NEW BESTIES ☠
Conan Exiles Enhanced
"Every boss fight is just unpaid internship recruitment with extra head trauma."
💀 Description
Have you ever looked at a horrifying demonic warlord and thought:
"You would look amazing guarding my campfire."
Then congratulations.
Your brain is now fully compatible with this mod.
Bosses My New Besties allows you to knock out and domesticate many previously untamable bosses, minibosses, and unique NPCs using Conan’s completely normal and psychologically healthy thrall system.
And by “domesticate,” we mean:
Hit terrifying monster repeatedly with truncheon
Tie unconscious body with rope
Drag them across the desert like expired furniture
Throw them into the Wheel of Pain
Force feed them mystery seed soup for over an hour
Wait for friendship to happen
Medical professionals are unavailable for comment.
🧠 The Recruitment Process
Vanilla Conan:
"This enemy is too powerful to recruit."
This mod:
"Have you tried concussions?"
To recruit your new emotionally devastated employee:
Step 1: Beat them unconscious with a truncheon labeled:
"Conflict Resolution Device"
Step 2: Attach a Leather Binding or similar restraint device because apparently HR regulations no longer exist.
Step 3: Drag the screaming nightmare creature across the Exiled Lands while nearby NPCs pretend this is socially acceptable.
Step 4: Insert boss into the Wheel of Pain — Conan’s legally distinct version of corporate onboarding.
Step 5: Fill it with soup.
Yes.
Soup.
Not magical crystals.
Not dark rituals.
Not ancient forbidden knowledge.
Soup.
Step 6: Spin them in circles for over an hour until the brain damage evolves into loyalty.
And just like that:
the cosmic horror now protects your fish trap.
HYBORIAN PSYCHOLOGICAL FIELD RESEARCH RESULT:
After sufficient truncheon-based brain damage, many enemies suddenly discover:
team spirit
work ethic
friendship
an intense desire to water your yellow lotuses with a drooling smile forever.
⚔ Main Features
✔ Recruit Previously Untamable Bosses
Many bosses, minibosses, and unique NPCs can now become fully functional thralls.
✔ Greater Wheel of Pain Support
Convert up to FOUR terrifying enemies simultaneously.
Because mass-producing trauma is more efficient.
✔ Fully Integrated Thrall Workflow
Knock out → Drag → Soup → Spin → Employment.
The Hyborian Dream.
✔ Boss Weapons Persist
Many bosses retain their weapons after conversion.
Meaning:
yes, your employee still owns the thing that previously killed you 14 times.
✔ Lore-Friendly Dark Fantasy Madness
Conan lore already contains:
cannibalism
blood rituals
giant spiders
taxation somehow
This honestly barely changes the moral landscape.
✔ Lightweight DataTable Changes
No bloated scripting.
No ritual sacrifices to Unreal Engine.
Just weaponized poor decision-making.
👕 Important Clothing Information 👕
Yes.
Your newly recruited boss may have entered the Wheel of Pain wearing:
Legendary armor
Ancient cursed plate
God-tier equipment
An outfit worth more than your base
After recruitment?
cloth pajamas.
Because apparently the Wheel of Pain includes:
mandatory uniform policies with strict dress-code
laundry confiscation
budget cuts
HOWEVER:
Boss weapons usually remain intact after conversion. So while the legendary armor mysteriously vanishes into another dimension…
the gigantic murder axe survives the onboarding process. Priorities….
☠ About The Undead Bosses ☠
Yes.
Some undead bosses may technically be recruitable.
Listen carefully.
This mod edits:
an absurd amount of DataTable entries.
Eventually every NPC classname starts looking like cursed ancient runes written by sleep deprivation itself.
So if you somehow recruit:
an undead abomination
a cursed lich
a skeletal nightmare
something that audibly whispers when standing still
…that’s between you and Crom.
Honestly:
if you manage to feed soup to a skeleton for an hour straight, you earned it.
📏 Known Issue: Boss Shrinkage
Some very large bosses (~20% larger than normal humans) may shrink down to standard thrall size after recruitment.
Yes.
I know.
No.
I am not okay.
I tried:
Scale overrides
Mesh duplication
Alternative actor setups
Copying entire meshes manually
Threatening Unreal Engine verbally
Staring at DataTables until my soul detached from my body
The game responded with:
"Tiny now. Cope."
Maybe one day I’ll revisit giant boss thralls if enough people desperately want oversized emotional support war criminals.
Right now:
my patience bar is empty.
✔ Safe to add mid-playthrough
📦 Requirements
Conan Exiles Enhanced
A truncheon
A Wheel of Pain
Soup
Questionable ethics
Extremely concerning conflict resolution skills
Optional:
Therapy
Legal representation
💬 Average Recruitment Experience
PLAYER:
——————————–
"You serve me now."
BOSS:
——————————–
"I once consumed kingdoms."
PLAYER:
——————————–
"Cool.
Go stand near the furnace and don’t touch anything."
🩸 Side Effects May Include
Stockholm syndrome
Emotionally confusing boss fights
Cosmic horrors guarding storage chests
Accidentally building the world’s most dangerous employee break room
A sudden inability to fear bosses anymore
Soup-related psychological trauma
🙏 Shout Outs
Special thanks to:
Everyone who looked at a nightmare boss and thought:
"I can fix them."
The Nexus community for encouraging this deeply irresponsible concept
Every truncheon sacrificed in the name of friendship
The Wheel of Pain:
still somehow less toxic than corporate management
The Unreal Engine developer responsible for boss scaling:
we need to talk.
"Violence is temporary. Employment is forever."
Bosses are just big thralls with attitude problems.
